Moving from Judgment to Empathic Connection

We are conditioned judge and criticize.

This isn’t surprising.

We have been judged, evaluated, and criticized since childhood by parents, neighbors, teachers, performance management systems, bosses, and legal systems.

It follows thus, that it seems natural for us to judge others as well.

After all, we know what’s best, right?

We know the proper way that other people should think, speak, and behave in public. We know the correct opinions and ideologies to have. Any other way of being is absurd, isn’t it?

I mean come on, how could she even consider going out in public dressed like that!

Look at those little shitheads. Don’t those parents know how to raise children? I would never allow my children to run around screaming like that. Shitty parents, ruining my day.

You voted for THAT guy and hold THAT opinion? You’re a typical, stupid, brainwashed member of <insert ideology here>.

What a fat slob. Doesn’t he have any willpower? Why won’t he just drink kale shakes and exercise?

This asshole cut me in line! Didn’t his parents teach him any manners?

I’m confident that we have all frequently shared similar-sounding thoughts. We must remember that all such judgments come from the ego.

The ego is useful. It gives us our sense of identity, a form to associate with, a sense of self that we need in order to function in three-dimensional time and space.

Without a sense of self, we would be completely untethered from the daily realities which we must interact with in order to survive. Without an ego it would become difficult or impossible to connect with others in a way that wouldn’t freak them out.

So the ego is a good thing. It gives us our “I-ness”. It allows us to function. It’s an operating system for the human experience.

But the ego also separates us from one another.

It is like a teenage boy. Its appetite is unlimited. It loves to be praised, made to feel special and significant. It feeds on recognition, accolades, achievement and status.

More than anything, the ego loves to be “right”. It loves to win. It craves attention, respect, and the confidence that its opinions or set of ideas are the correct ones. Otherwise it means that the survival of its human host is in jeopardy.

Too much “I-ness” (or rather, “I-know-better-ness”) therefore creates separation from others because it makes empathy impossible.

You observe others through the filter of your ego and judge them, saying to yourself “If I were them, I would do it this other way.”

Which brings me to main truth I wish to address:

If you really were them, then you would do exactly as they were doing.

You would have had the exact same unique set of life experience, upbringing, education, and socioeconomic background.

You would have had the exact same set of relationships and people in your life influencing your thinking.

• You look at someone doing or saying something “stupid”. Understand that this person simply did not have the advantages and access to education that you were fortunate enough to have.

• You see children running around screaming on a bus while the father does nothing. You do not know that they just came from their mother’s funeral.

• You see an obese person smoking a cigarette while drinking an energy drink and judge them for neglecting their health. Perhaps they had parents who smoked and abused them and fed them Oreo cookies and Coca Cola all through their childhood.

• Someone you know holds an opinion you believe to be ignorant or vile. Realize that it was likely their unique set of life experiences that shaped this, and these are different from yours.

How to experience more empathic connection

The first step in training yourself toward feeling more empathy is simple: become more aware of your thoughts.

I said simple. Not easy.

The ego will block you all the way, because your judging thinking patterns have become unconsciousness. They are a critical part of your identity and overall worldview.

Becoming aware of your thinking is dangerous to the ego. It reduces its power. In self-defense, the ego prefers you keep operating on autopilot, in survival mode, assessing people in terms of social hierarchies, better or worse than you, for quick judgment.

But give it a try. Begin to develop a sensitivity to the thoughts and feelings that arise in you. When you feel judgment arising, examine the thoughts.

Let me give you an example.

After work one day I was walking through the train station on the way to pick up some groceries.

I saw a young woman. Seemed to be in her late teenage years.

She was wearing a LOT of makeup. It looked like she had dunked her face into cake frosting.

The judging thoughts arose automatically:

Why was she wearing so much makeup? Didn’t she realize how silly she looked?

I began to feel those similar feelings of holy righteous condescension and superiority that comes with criticism.

Luckily, however, this particular day I caught my thinking early in its formation. I became aware of the judgments I was making.

I switched into a more empathic mindset, observed her more closely, and then thought the following thoughts:

It looks like she has acne underneath that makeup. Maybe she has bad skin.

Maybe her parents never taught her about healthy eating. Or maybe she just had an unfortunate roll of the genetic dice.

Not everyone is born with natural beauty. We are judged so heavily on our looks and it's unfair that some people have that advantage while others do not, and need to do their best to make up for this.

I used to have acne when I was a kid. I even took medication for it. I was very self-conscious about it. I was a boy so I couldn’t cover it up with makeup. So she kind of has an advantage there.

After thinking these thoughts, I felt more connected to this stranger who crossed my path for just a few seconds, even though we never shared a word or direct eye contact.

My state of mind changed in an instant. My feelings shifted from judgmental righteousness to a feeling of connection with someone, and that I had shared a small slice of the human experience with them. It filled me with warmth and lifted my spirits.

The above is a small example.

I am still often unsuccessful at making the transition from judgment to empathy. Probably mostly unsuccessful. It’s something we can all work on.

I am not suggesting that we need to go around agreeing with everyone and letting people get away with murder or abuse because they had a fucked up childhood. There is such a thing as "right and wrong".

I am simply advocating for a small improvement in understanding one another, and realizing that we are essentially all trying to fulfill the same few human needs.

Person A is pro-gun while Person B is anti-gun. They are both concerned with their need for safety and security. They have merely chosen different strategies.

Once we understand this – that people are basically all operating from similar needs – maybe we can start talking to each other again, rather than shouting our ideologies and plugging up our ears.